Chapter 12: Not Forgiven

I walked past him into the boathouse and stood in the middle of the room with my coat still on.

He shut the door.

"I'm not forgiving you," I said.

"I know."

"Say you know it."

"You're not forgiving me." His voice was low and level. "Not tonight, and maybe not for a long time."

I took the petition out of my pocket and held it up.

His signature on it was bold and black.

"I could file this tomorrow."

"Yes."

"I could be a free woman by lunch."

"Yes." He swallowed. "If you want that, you can have it. I'll sign anything else you put in front of me."

I looked at the paper.

I looked at him, in his grey sweater, with his hands hanging open at his sides and nothing in them.

"Not yet," I said.

Something broke across his face.

It was the card he'd written to Pearl, and I had turned it around on him.

"Not yet," Bram repeated, rough. "Okay."

"Don't thank me."

"I won't."

"This is not mercy."

I tossed the petition on the kitchen island.

"I'm not letting a piece of paper decide this, and I'm not letting a man decide it either."

"It's mine to end. I'll end it when I know what I want."

"Understood."

"You tell me everything from now on, the moment you know it."

"If you decide one more thing about my life without me, I'll file it myself and I won't look back."

"Every condition," he said. "Name them."

"Those are the only two."

"Then you have them."

I was still shaking.

I'd been shaking since four o'clock.

I did not know whether it was fury or grief or the plain fact that he was standing four feet away.

I knew I wanted to hit him.

I knew I wanted to climb him.

I took off my coat and let it fall.

"Etta," he said, carefully. "You're angry."

"I'm furious."

"I don't want you to do anything you'll hate me for."

"Tell me to stop," I said. "Dare you."

His eyes went dark.

He did not tell me to stop.

I crossed the floor and grabbed two fistfuls of his sweater and kissed him with my teeth.

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