Chapter 4: The Scorecard

The scorecard sat beside my fork, printed on cream card, with a tiny gold crest at the top.

It listed five categories: Poise, Laugh, Affection, Compatibility With Mother, and Overall Wife.

Beside each one was a column for Avery and a column for Lydia.

"I'm a fair man," Duncan said from the chair between us. "Everything is scored out of ten, and I've left a margin for notes."

We were on the terrace of his club on Sunday morning, with a linen tablecloth and a pot of tea nobody had asked for.

At the next table sat a dozen of his friends, eating eggs and watching us.

Nina sat at the end of their table in her orange jacket, with a plate of toast.

Duncan had invited her himself, because he assumed everyone wanted a front row.

She caught my eye and chewed.

"You'll want to score each other as well," Duncan said, handing us pencils. "It's only natural. It's a rivalry."

"We aren't rivals," Lydia said. "We're together."

"That's what rivals say," Duncan said.

I took the pencil, because I was not going to be the one without a pencil.

Under Laugh, I gave Lydia a three.

"A three?" Lydia said.

"You laugh into your hand," I said. "A real laugh doesn't need a hand."

"That's not a laugh score," Lydia said. "That's a dental opinion."

"It's a three," I said.

Lydia wrote a four under my Affection.

"I'm affectionate," I said. "I called you pumpkin."

"You called me pumpkin like you were reading it off a ransom note," Lydia said.

"I'm trying to be believable," I said.

"Believable would be saying it once and meaning it," Lydia said.

Duncan leaned back with his tea and a small, pleased sigh.

"Marvelous," Duncan said. "Go on. I enjoy it when you two warm up."

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