Chapter 23: What It Cost

My mother read it aloud.

Her voice was thin at first. By the third line it was the only sound on the bank.

"Mom. If you are reading this, I either got rich or I am gone."

She stopped. A sound came out of her. She went on.

"I wrote this on the bus so I won't lose my nerve. I know the pills cost a lot."

She swallowed.

"I know Dad's back cost more. I eat on six dollars a day so you don't have to hear about it."

Nobody moved.

"If I ever get hurt, I won't tell you. The bill would be yours, and you have enough."

My mother's hand pressed flat on her stomach.

"I am not complaining."

Her breath caught.

"If I turned out to be a lot of trouble, it was by accident."

The river went by under the sun.

"If I die, don't spend anything on me. Put me somewhere with water."

She read the last lines with her eyes shut.

"I am sorry I cost so much. I tried to be useful. Love, Ellis."

The page shook in her hands.

Then my mother folded it and held it against her coat.

"A lot of trouble," she said.

Her voice broke open.

"He thought he was trouble. Oh God. Ellis. My baby. You were never trouble one day of your life."

She turned to the bench where I stood in the cold air.

"I would have sold this coat. I would have sold the house."

She was crying so hard the words came apart.

"I would have knelt on that gravel myself. You never cost me anything, Ellis. You were mine."

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