Chapter 23: Thirty

The housekeeper would not come in.

"He kept it in the bottom drawer of the study," she said. "He thought nobody knew. I've dusted that drawer for seventeen years."

"Why bring it tonight?"

"Because it's past midnight, and you're thirty, and I wanted you to have it on time."

She patted my hand once, and went down the stairs before I could say thank you.

Ansel stood behind me with his sweater in his hand.

"Do you want me to go?" he asked.

"Stay in the kitchen. Make coffee. Please."

I sat at the table with the envelope under the lamp.

My mother's handwriting leaned to the right and got smaller at the end of each line, the way it always had.

Joanna,

If you're reading this, you're thirty, and I'm not there.

I'm sorry about that more than I can put on a page.

I'm writing in my kitchen with the radio on.

You're at work, and Lila is asleep on the couch with her shoes on.

I want to tell you three things.

The first is that you were never hard to love. You were hard to fool.

I used to think that would cost you. I hope it never did.

The second is about Roland. He is kind to people when he needs them.

I didn't see it until I got sick, and I never found the way to tell you.

Watch what he does the first time you say no.

The third is the shares.

I put them in your name and Lila's so you'd have somewhere to stand that nobody could move you off.

Use them however you like, as long as it's yours.

Be loud, my love. Be loud at your birthday party. Eat the cake.

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