The Hard Version of Staying novel · Chapter 20 of 24

Chapter 20: The Misbelief Breaks

He came on Sunday, in the first snow, and he did not look like himself.

The suit was gone.

He wore a wrinkled coat with the collar turned up, and he had not shaved.

When he climbed the porch steps his hands were shaking.

I met him at the door and did not open it.

"Han," Declan said through the glass. "Please. Five minutes."

"You have one."

"They let me go." His voice cracked.

"The senior partner put me on leave. The state board has a letter. I lost the partnership, and the apartment lease ends this week."

"You have your mother's."

"She won't take my calls."

I said nothing.

He pressed his forehead against the glass, and for a moment I almost felt it.

That was the dangerous moment, and I knew it.

I had spent six years being moved by exactly that face.

"I did it badly," he said. "I know I did. I was scared of losing you and I did everything wrong."

"You gave me a hormone for four years."

"Because I was afraid we weren't ready. Because I was selfish. Han, I'll make it right."

"No."

"There's a baby." He lifted his eyes. "Our baby. I'll leave Joelle, I'll give her the money, I'll sign anything. Let me be a father to the one that's yours. Just let me come home."

I heard the lawn behind me crunch.

I did not turn around, because I knew the weight of that step.

Jude had been shoveling the path to the boatyard, and he had stopped at the foot of the porch with the shovel in his hands.

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