Chapter 19: The Night Before

I wasn't allowed to eat after midnight, so Cal made me a plate at nine and stood over me until I finished it.

"You're going to be insufferable in a hospital gown," I said.

"I'm going to be a professional."

"You're going to give the anesthesiologist notes."

"Probably."

He took the plate and washed it, with his back to me, and I watched the muscles move under his shirt.

His flat was warm and smelled like soap.

I had a bag by the door with a toothbrush in it and a clean pair of socks.

The card from the road crew was taped to the front of my phone.

"Shanna."

"Mm."

"Come here."

I got up and walked into his arms.

He held me against his chest without kissing me, just holding, with his chin on top of my head.

"I need to say something," he said.

"Okay."

"You don't have to be brave for me."

I went still.

"Everyone's going to tell you tomorrow how brave you are. Maisie, the nurses, your father if he gets the chance. I don't want you to do it for me."

"What do you want?"

"I want you to be scared in front of me," he said. "Just once. Before it's over."

My throat closed.

"I'm scared of waking up," I said.

"I know."

"If she doesn't make it, I'll have given her half of myself and she'll still be gone."

His arms tightened.

"And I'm scared she will make it, and I'll come out the other side and I won't know how to be anybody's sister except the one sent upstairs."

"You'll learn."

"What if I'm not good at it?"

"You'll be terrible," he said. "For a week. Then you'll be fine."

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