Chapter 20: First Night

Six weeks after the birth, the doctor cleared me on a Tuesday, and on Friday night Bea came to the door with her overnight bag.

"Give me my goddaughter," she said.

"She needs feeding at ten."

"I have bottles, a pump, a lullaby playlist and a lawyer's sense of procedure."

Bea took the carrier out of my hands.

"Do not call me before nine."

"Bea."

"I mean it. If your phone rings, I will not pick up."

She kissed the baby's head, looked at the kitchen doorway where Patrick stood, and went down the steps without another word.

The house was very quiet after the car door shut.

I turned around.

Patrick was leaning against the counter in a dark sweater, and he did not speak.

"The doctor cleared me," I said.

"I heard."

"I'm not asking you to wait any longer."

"Cora." He crossed his arms, and then he uncrossed them.

"Are you sure? It's been six weeks, and you're tired."

"Patrick."

"Yes."

"Nothing else," I said. "That's what I told you in your office, on the first day. Do you remember?"

"Every word."

"I was wrong."

His face did something I had not seen before.

It opened.

I walked across the kitchen and put both hands flat on his chest.

His heart was slamming under my palms.

"I'm not asking," I said, and watched his mouth move at one corner, because he knew whose line that was.

"Then I won't ask," said Patrick, and he picked me up.

He carried me up the stairs with my legs around his waist and my mouth against his.

I did not once look at where we were going.

At the bedroom door he stopped and set me on my feet.

His hands were shaking a little at my waist.

"Tell me if anything hurts," he said into my hair. "Anything. I'll stop."

"If I want you to stop, I'll say so."

"Good."

"If I want you to hurry, I'll say that too."

He laughed, a short rough breath against my cheek.

Then he kissed me, and this time there was nothing left to hold back.

His hands went to the buttons of my dress.

He undid them one by one, and I stood there letting him, and when the dress slid off my shoulders I tensed.

I had a body that had carried a child.

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