Chapter 18: Sad Alone

By one in the morning on Saturday, I had drawn the same rabbit nine times.

All nine were wrong.

The ears were wrong, and the sky was wrong.

The paper under my hand was smooth and white and empty.

I sat at the built-in desk under the slanted ceiling with a deadline of Monday noon and eight spreads still to finish.

My hand shook.

My chest felt tight and small, and I could not make myself breathe all the way in.

I pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes.

It was a bad feeling.

I knew it well, and I usually handled it alone.

I stayed alone with it for another twenty minutes, because that was my habit.

Then my eyes fell on my signed copy of the lease, pinned to the wall above the desk.

Rule Ten.

The tenant is not to be sad alone. The owner must be told.

I laughed, once, wetly.

It was the worst possible time to find a joke funny.

I stood up, and my knees nearly went.

I pulled my cardigan on over my sleep shirt and went down four flights in my socks.

I knocked on Lena's door with my fist.

It opened almost at once.

She was in a gray T-shirt and old sweatpants, barefoot, with her glasses on and a paperback in her hand.

She had been awake.

She took one look at my face and put the book down.

"Mina."

"I broke Rule Ten."

"Come here."

"I was sad alone for twenty minutes. I'm sorry. I came as soon as I..."

"Come here."

I walked into her arms, and she closed them around me.

I pressed my face into her shoulder and finally let go.

I cried the ugly kind of crying, with my whole body, and my words came out in broken pieces.

"I'm going to miss it. I can't do twelve in two days. I've drawn this rabbit nine times. I'm not good enough."

"You're good enough."

"I'll lose the job."

"You won't." She rubbed my back in slow circles. "Listen to me.

"You told me. That's the whole rule. Now it's my problem."

"It's my deadline."

"It's our night." She kissed my temple.

"Rule Ten says I must be told. It doesn't say I have to stay out of it."

I laughed and sobbed at once.

She walked me down the hall, and she took off my cardigan and my wet socks.

She sat me on the edge of her bed, and she knelt and wiped my face with a warm washcloth.

Then she brought me a glass of water and a plate with toast and honey.

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