Chapter 6: Stay

I stayed.

At eleven that night Joanna was sitting on the edge of the king bed, with the lamp on and her shoes off, looking at her own hands.

I came out of the bathroom in my T-shirt and stopped in the doorway.

She had a look I'd never seen on her, and I realized it was nerves.

"You're doing the sugar packet," I said.

She looked down.

She was turning her silver watch around her wrist instead.

"I've never done this on purpose," she said. "Last night was a storm. Tonight is a decision."

"I know."

"I don't know how to be good at it."

I crossed the room and stood between her knees.

"Hey," I said. "Look at me."

She looked up, and the lamp made her eyes almost black.

"Nobody's grading you," I said.

"Everybody grades me."

"Not in here."

I took her face in both hands and kissed her, softly.

It was nothing like the storm.

This one was slow, and I let it stay slow until her shoulders came down from around her ears.

She pulled me closer by my waist.

I felt her sigh through her whole body.

"Lie back," I said.

She did, and I climbed up beside her and propped myself on one elbow.

She wore the gray sleep shirt again, and I found the first button and undid it.

Then the second.

I took my time.

I kissed the hollow of her throat and the line of her collarbone and the slope of her shoulder.

She had closed her eyes.

"Joanna."

She opened them.

"I want you to watch me," I said. "I want you to know it's me."

"I know it's you," she said. "That's the whole problem."

I laughed, and she smiled, and the smile turned into a gasp when I let my hand slide lower.

She was warm under my palm, and the muscles of her stomach jumped.

"Tell me about your dad," I said, close to her ear.

"Now?"

"Yes. Now."

She laughed breathlessly, but she told me.

She told me he had a tumor behind his eye, and that the doctors found it in March.

She told me that he'd taught her to read a radio rating book at seven years old.

Every Saturday they drove to the station together and sang the whole way, harmony on the choruses.

Her voice shook now and then, and I kept my hand moving, slow and patient.

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