Chapter 20: Lights On

Nate turned on every lamp in the house.

He did it without being asked, one after another.

The living room glowed, and the black glass of the big windows gave back the two of us.

I stood in the middle of the rug in my mother's cardigan and the green dress, shaking.

"You don't have to do this just because I said it in a kitchen," he said.

"I'm not."

"You made a rule."

"I made a rule when I thought Travis would say sorry on camera."

I pulled the cardigan off and dropped it on the floor.

"Friday he will. I'm amending it early."

His mouth twitched.

"Retroactively."

"Lena."

"I don't want it dark this time," I said.

"I was touched in the dark for years by a man who didn't look at me."

I held his eyes.

"I want to see you see me."

He crossed the room.

He didn't touch me at first.

He stood close enough that I felt the heat of him through the silk.

His eyes went slowly down my face, my throat, the line of the dress.

"Turn around," he said, low.

I turned.

His fingers found the zip at the back and drew it down so slowly that I felt every tooth give.

The green silk slid off my shoulders and pooled at my feet.

Cold air touched my back. Then his mouth did, between my shoulder blades, hot and open.

I braced my hands on the arm of the sofa.

"Look," he said against my spine.

In the window, my reflection stood in a black bra and underwear, lit from the side, with Nate kneeling bare-chested behind me.

I had never seen myself like that.

I looked like someone who wanted something and was about to get it.

His hands slid around my waist and rested low on my stomach, over the faint yellow marks the needles had left.

I tensed.

"Five years of that," I said. "It's not pretty."

"No, it isn't pretty," he said. "It's what you did to try to have a family with a man who didn't deserve you."

He kissed one mark, very gently.

Then the next. Then the next, all the way across, and I made a sound I couldn't hold back.

"I'm going to kiss every one of those," he said.

"There are a lot."

"I've got all night."

He turned me around and lifted me onto the back of the sofa so my thighs were open around his waist.

He took my bra off and looked at me for a long, hot moment.