I Paid My Grumpy Neighbor to Be My Fake Boyfriend, and He Took the Job Way Too Seriously novel · Chapter 1 of 24
Chapter 1: Kids' Table
At her sister's bridal shower Mina tells forty guests that Hana is fired, single and seated with the children, so Hana invents a boyfriend, drives home and pays the scowling neighbor across the hall $2,400, and he says her sister's name before she does.
My sister told forty women with mimosas that I'd been fired.
She used a microphone to do it.
"And a special thank-you to my baby sister, Hana," Mina said, "who drove all the way up from campus. She has a lot of free time now."
A few aunts laughed before they knew why.
Mina smiled at me over the gift table.
"I got her a summer job at my firm. She lasted five weeks. They let her go on a Tuesday."
Somebody said, "Oh, no."
Somebody else said, "Again?"
I was standing by the punch bowl in a yellow sundress I'd bought for this.
I could feel my face going hot from the neck up.
"It's fine," Mina said into the mic. "Not everyone's built for a real office. That's why I've put Hana in charge of the guest book."
More laughing.
My mother's living room was full of white flowers and women I'd known since I was born.
My mother was by the window, holding a tray of cream puffs and not looking at me.
"Oh, and the seating chart's done," Mina said. "Hana, since you're not bringing anyone, you're at table nine with the cousins' kids. You'll love it. They have crayons."
Our aunt from Chicago put a hand on my arm.
"Hana-ya, there's no one at school? Not one boy?"
"There's someone," I said.
I don't know who said it.
It was my mouth, but I didn't send it.
The room went quiet.
Mina tilted her head, the way she did in court.
"There's someone," she repeated. "Since when?"
"March."
"Name."
Forty women waited.
The only man I'd talked to all week was the guy across the hall in my dorm.
He'd banged on my door at two a.m. Thursday because my popcorn set off the smoke alarm.
He'd said, "Learn to read a microwave," and slammed his door.
"Eli," I said. "Eli Novak."
Mina wrote it on her cocktail napkin with her own pen.
"Lovely. Then Eli comes Thursday for family dinner. And he gives a toast at the rehearsal dinner Friday. Every plus-one does."
"He's really busy."
"Then he must love you very much to come."
She handed the mic to a bridesmaid and went back to opening a gravy boat.
My mother finally looked at me.
"Why didn't you tell me?" she whispered.
"It's new."
"Is he Korean?"
"Umma."
"I'm only asking."
I drove the three hours back to campus with the radio off.
My savings app said two thousand four hundred and twelve dollars.
Two years of morning shifts at the campus cafe.
It was supposed to be for a drawing tablet and maybe a winter coat.
Halsey Hall was nearly empty for summer session.
The fourth floor smelled like carpet cleaner and somebody's old ramen.
I stood outside room 413 at eleven at night.
I knocked before I could stop.
The door opened six inches.
Eli Novak was taller than I'd remembered.
He had safety glasses pushed up into his dark hair and a black smear of grease on his forearm.
He looked at me.
"The smoke alarm's not going off," he said.
"I know. I need to ask you something."
"No."
"You don't know what it is."
"It's eleven. It's no."
He started to shut the door.
I put my hand flat on it.
"My sister's getting married Saturday. I told my whole family I have a boyfriend. I said it was you."
He stared at me.
"Why would you say that?"
"Because you were the only name in my head."
"That's a you problem."
"I'll pay you."
The door stopped moving.
"Thursday to Sunday," I said. "You drive up with me, you're nice to my parents, you give a toast. Two thousand dollars."
He didn't say anything.
Down the hall a vending machine hummed.
"Twenty-four hundred," he said.
"That's a weird number."
"It's my number."
"What's it for?"
"None of your business."
I opened Venmo with my thumb shaking.
I typed his name and found him.
No profile picture, just grey initials.
In the note box I typed "weekend" because I couldn't think of anything else.
I hit pay before I could change my mind.
His phone buzzed in his pocket.
He took it out and looked at the screen a long time.
Then he pulled his safety glasses off his head and folded them.
"Where's the wedding?"
"My parents' house. On a lake, three hours north."
"Wisconsin."
"Yeah."
He went very still in the doorway.
"I need a list," he said. "Every name. Every relative. Your middle name. What you're allergic to. What your father does."
"It's three days. You just have to stand next to me."
"If I'm doing it, I'm doing it right."
"Fine. Okay. I'll text you."
He nodded once and started to close the door.
Then he stopped with it half shut.
"Your sister's Mina Kim," he said.
It wasn't a question.
I hadn't told him my sister's name.
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