Chapter 11: Plain Want

He did not answer right away.

I think that was the kindest thing he could have done.

A lie would have come fast.

He set the map aside and stood, slowly, and walked to me across the dark room.

He stopped a foot away.

"I have thought about it every day since the pass," he said.

"I have gone over it as if it were a battle plan."

"And?"

"And I cannot be sure of the answer. I will not lie to you."

"I did not know what I wanted before you, because I could not tell what wanting was."

My throat hurt.

"But I know this," he said.

"In that council I knew where you stood before I turned my head."

"No pain told me. I simply knew."

His voice had gone rough.

"Nobody has ever hurt for me before you. I did not know a man could miss it."

"Aldric."

"I cannot separate the wanting from the feeling, Lyra."

"But I would rather be a man who wants you and has nothing else than a man who feels everything and has not you."

I stared at him.

"If you could be cured tomorrow," I said, "and felt every burn and bruise for yourself, would you let me go?"

"I would not let you go."

"Why?"

"Because I have never in my life been told to take off my boots by anyone who wasn't afraid of me."

A laugh broke out of me, wet and shaky.

"That's a terrible reason."

"It is the best I have."

"It's actually a very good reason."

I wiped my eyes with my sleeve.

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