Silence Was Not Forgiveness novel · Chapter 3 of 24

Chapter 3: Ten Weeks

Kendall tells Nolan she is pregnant in front of the whole office, and Nolan knows the baby cannot be his.

My office at Dahlberg Lumber has a glass wall facing the sales floor.

On Monday morning, eight people could see me from their desks.

Kendall knocked once and came in with her tablet under one arm.

She closed the door behind her and set a small pink packet on my desk.

"Your wife wanted a pack," she said. "I said I'd bring one."

I looked at the packet, and then at her.

"Kendall, I told you Saturday. It's over."

"I heard you. It was a very clear call." She sat down in the chair across from me and crossed her ankles. "I'm not here about that."

"Then what?"

"I'm ten weeks, Nolan."

For a second the words didn't mean anything.

"Ten weeks what?"

"Pregnant." She smiled slightly. "I've been counting too, you know. I thought it was only fair that you start."

Through the glass, a salesman was pretending to read his screen.

"That's not funny," I said.

"I'm not joking."

"Kendall, it can't be."

"Of course it can." She laid her hand flat on her stomach, over the cream blazer. "June, July, the hotel in Madison. You can do the math."

I couldn't say a word.

My throat was shut, and my hands were flat on the blotter.

"You can't end this and leave me with this," she said, and her voice rose a notch, on purpose.

On the floor, two heads turned.

"Please keep your voice down."

"Why? Everyone's going to know anyway. It's my baby, Nolan. It's yours too."

She stood and smoothed the front of her blazer.

I watched the salesman and a woman from accounting look at each other across the aisle.

Nobody on the floor had heard the whole thing.

Everyone had heard enough.

"What do you want?" I asked quietly.

"What does anyone want?" She picked up her tablet. "I want you to be a father. I think you'd be a good one."

That was nearly funny.

"Be reasonable. We'll talk about this tonight."

"No. We won't. Lena's going to be at the house."

"Then lunch."

"Fine," Kendall said. "Lunch. But I'm telling Joan this afternoon, whether we have it or not."

"Don't tell my mother."

"Nolan." She said it kindly, and I hated the kindness. "She's going to find out. It's better from me."

She opened the door and went out through the whole sales floor with her head high, and every desk watched her go.

I sat with the pink packet in front of me for a long time.

I want to tell you what I thought about, and it wasn't Kendall.

It was a Thursday in March, two years ago, when I told my wife I had a dental appointment.

My brother Dale drove me to a clinic called Lakeshore Urology, forty minutes outside the city.

He waited in the parking lot with the radio on.

I was in the building for less than an hour.

I came out walking carefully, with an ice pack and a pamphlet, and I told Dale I'd tell Lena when the time was right.

The time was never right.

Lena had wanted a baby more than anything in the world.

I had wanted one a little less every month, and I could not say that to her face.

So I made the choice somewhere she couldn't argue with it, and then I told her yes, someday, soon, let's keep trying.

For two years she took every test and every shot.

She went to the clinic every Thursday and sat in the waiting room alone.

I showed her one page, a sample result from a man at work who owed me a favor.

She filed it in the kitchen folder and never asked to see it again.

Kendall could not be pregnant by me.

Nobody could be pregnant by me.

I could not say that to Kendall, to my mother, or to anyone in this building.

The next question would always be the same.

Why not, Nolan?

The answer would reach my wife before the day was out.

And on Saturday Lena had made a rule of her own: she would ask, and I would answer truthfully.

I picked up my phone to text Dale, and my hands were shaking so hard I put it down again.

Out on the floor, the salesman stood by Kendall's empty desk, talking low to the woman from accounting.

Then the intercom on my desk buzzed.

"Nolan," my mother said. "Come to my office. Kendall tells me you two have something to discuss."

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