She Said to Wait, But Our Baby Couldn't novel · Chapter 3 of 24

Chapter 3: The Circle

Willa orders Dean out, Gwen arrives with flowers and a circle and gets removed by security at the nurses' station, and when the doctor says pathology will test anything Willa ingested, Dean goes still.

Dean went out and sat in the chair in the hallway.

I could see the back of his head through the glass in my door.

Jenna came in at 6:50 in her scrubs, still holding her car keys.

She didn't say anything.

She climbed onto the bed beside me and held me while I cried, and she cried too.

At eight o'clock there was a knock, and the knock was gentle.

"Willa?"

It was Gwen.

She stood in the doorway in a cream linen set with gold hoops in her ears and a bouquet of white roses.

Dean's mother, Patricia, stood behind her, and two women from the chat stood behind Patricia.

"We came as soon as we heard," Gwen said, in her soft, steady voice. "Mama, we're going to hold a circle for you and your little one."

One of the women was already switching on a battery-powered candle.

Jenna stood up.

"Out," she said.

"I'm sorry?"

"I said out."

Gwen didn't look at her.

She looked at me with wet eyes.

"I know you're hurting, Willa. Grief makes people lash out at the ones who love them. It's a very normal part of this."

"I know exactly who is in this room," I said. "Leave."

"The thing about a loss like this is that nobody is at fault," Gwen said. "I want you to hear that. Your body did what it..."

I pressed the call button.

When the nurse came in, I said the sentence I had practiced in my head while Gwen was still talking.

"I want these people off my floor. Anyone who is not my sister or my doctor."

The nurse looked at the flowers and the candle.

"Ma'am, you'll have to leave," she said to Gwen.

"I'm her doula," Gwen said. "I'm family."

"You are not on her chart."

"I'm certified."

The nurse called security anyway.

Gwen walked out ahead of him with her chin high.

I stood at the door and watched her go down the hall.

At the nurses' station she stopped, turned to face a row of strangers and said it loudly, so every one of them could hear.

"This is a woman in shock. I'd ask you all to be gentle with her. She doesn't know what she's saying."

A woman in the waiting area lifted her phone.

Gwen smiled at the camera without a flicker.

Then the elevator opened and she left.

Patricia stayed behind.

She stood with her cardigan clutched shut and her glasses fogged and did not look at me.

"Willa," she said. "I'm so sorry. I don't understand how..."

"Neither do I," I said. "Ask your son."

She went out to the hallway chair and sat beside Dean.

He put his head on her shoulder.

An hour later the doctor came back with a clipboard.

Jenna had not left my side.

"I want to be straightforward," the doctor said. "Abruptions happen. Sometimes there is a clear reason, and sometimes there isn't."

"But you don't see one in your notes."

"Not yet. No fall, no injury, no high blood pressure on your last four visits."

She turned a page.

"The pathology team will examine the placenta. With your permission I'll ask them to test for anything you took by mouth in the last few weeks. Medications, supplements, herbal products."

"I took my prenatal vitamins."

"Anything else?"

"No."

I shook my head.

"Nothing else," I said. "My OB told me nothing but the vitamins."

"Good. Then it will come back clean, and we'll know that much."

"How long?"

"About two weeks for the full panel."

I looked past the doctor, through the glass.

Dean had stood up.

He was in the doorway with one hand on the frame, and he had heard every word.

He was not crying anymore.

He had gone completely still, and his face had no color left in it.

"Do you want me to put the order in?" the doctor asked.

Jenna looked at Dean.

Then she looked at me.

"Yes," I said. "Test everything."

Dean's phone buzzed in his pocket.

He did not take it out.

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