Chapter 18: Go or Stay

"Go where?" I said. "I haven't decided anything."

"You've decided. I watched your face when she said three hundred miles."

"I watched yours when you said go."

Astrid picked up the poker and jabbed at the stove, and sparks jumped.

"You want it," she said. "You've wanted it since the day your truck died. You just needed someone to say you could."

"I needed someone to say I could stay."

"That's a different thing."

"It's the same thing, Astrid. It's the only thing."

"No." She slammed the stove door.

"You came here to hide at a lake cabin, and I'm a bunk and a stove in the middle of your hiding."

The words hit me.

"That's not fair."

"It's true. You told me yourself. 'That's not a plan, that's hiding.'"

"I said that about me. I didn't say it about you."

"You didn't need to." Her voice cracked. "I won't be the reason you quit again."

"Quit?" My own voice rose. "You think I quit? Pilot died in my hands, and I stopped because I couldn't breathe."

"And now you can breathe, so go."

"You're doing it on purpose."

"Doing what?"

"Pushing me out the door before I can leave." I stepped around the table.

"You'd rather be left than be the one who's left.

You'd rather close the door yourself."

Astrid went white.

Then I saw that she was shaking from head to foot.

"My partner walked onto the ice to check it," she said, very low. "She waved at me. She was laughing."

"Astrid."

"I will not stand on a shore again and watch someone I love walk onto three hundred miles of anything.

I can't.

I'll go in after you, and I'll drown, or I'll stand there and it'll happen again."

The room rang.

"You said love," I said.

"I didn't mean to."

"Say it again."

"No."

"Say it, Astrid."

"I love you, you idiot," she said, and burst into furious tears. "That's why I want you to go before I ruin it."

I crossed the last step between us and took her by the shoulders.

"I'm not going to the race," I said.

"Don't you dare decide that for me."

"I'm not deciding it for you. I'm deciding it because I just realized what I want."

"What?"

"A long run," I said.

"One run.

Twenty miles with the team tomorrow, to see if I still want to drive at all.

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