Chapter 4: Rule Two

The cramp came back at six o'clock, in the stall of the staff bathroom.

I stood with both hands braced on the walls and my forehead against the cold metal door.

I thought of the sticky note in my pocket. I thought of rule one.

I lasted four minutes.

Then I locked the stall, pulled the toy out of my bag, and did it fast with my teeth in my sleeve.

It worked. It always worked.

I washed my hands afterward and could not look at myself in the mirror.

At nine o'clock I stood outside Room 3 in the empty corridor, with no underwear on and my heart going hard.

The door opened before I knocked.

Ezra had changed out of his coat. He wore the dark shirt with the sleeves rolled up and nothing over it.

He looked me over once from head to foot.

"Come in."

The room had a new brass deadbolt. He turned it behind me and I heard it slide home.

"I fixed it myself," he said. "Nobody opens that door again."

My throat went dry.

He crossed his arms and leaned on the counter.

"When did you last use it?"

"Use what?"

He waited.

I stared at the floor.

"Six," I said. "I'm sorry. It came on in the bathroom, and I couldn't wait."

"I know."

"How?"

"Because you walked in here looking guilty and relieved," he said. "Those two don't usually come together."

I bit my lip. "Are you angry?"

"No." His voice was quiet. "I don't like that you felt you had to hide it."

He studied me.

"But the rule was mine, so the first break is mine too. We start over."

He patted the exam table.

"Sit. Scrubs off from the waist."

I took them off and folded them over the chair with clumsy fingers.

I climbed up and sat on the paper with my knees together.

"Lie back."

The paper crackled under my shoulder blades.

He rolled a stool close and sat between my knees.

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