Chapter 15: Asleep, On Purpose

Verena's POV

That night I locked my bedroom door with all four of them inside.

I stood at the foot of the bed in my nightshirt and said it fast, before I lost the nerve.

"I want you to take me as if I were asleep."

Nobody answered.

Stefan, who always had something, opened his mouth and shut it again.

"On the stairs I didn't choose it," I said. "I wanted to listen, and you did the rest."

I took a breath.

"Tonight I'm choosing every minute of it. I want my eyes closed and nothing to decide or answer for."

"Why?" Felix asked gently.

"Because all day I've heard my own voice coming out of Seidl's phone, and I want to be somewhere nobody is looking at me."

Tobias sat on the edge of the armchair.

"If you say my name," he said, "we all stop. Whatever we're doing."

"Yes."

"Then I'll do it."

Jonas laughed once, short and rough.

"No," he said.

I looked at him.

"Your rule, Brandl. You stood at that kitchen table and said nobody touches you unless your eyes are open."

He folded his arms.

"A day later you want to throw it out."

"I'm not throwing it out."

"Then what are you doing?"

"I'm spending it," I said. "It's mine. I wrote it so no one could take me without my say. This is my say."

He crossed the room and stood very close.

"You know how hard that is for me?" he said, low. "I've been looking at you for eight years. I want to see your face when you come."

"You will."

"When?"

"When I open them. When you tell me to."

His breath caught.

He looked at the others.

Then he took my chin in his fingers and tipped my face up.

"Close them," he said.

I closed them.

The dark came down warm and red behind my lids.

Someone lifted me.

I knew it was Tobias by his arms and the smell of pine soap on his shirt, and he laid me on the bed on my side.

"Look at her," Stefan whispered. His voice shook with laughter. "She's out cold."

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